Lies My Depression Told Me

I've been debating on if I want to write this blog, or not, for the past couple of months, in truth. In one way, I think it will be helpful. I think it will validate others who may have similar feelings or experiences, or even questions. The downside, I've worried, is that people will feel this is some self-serving stunt, on my part, to get attention and gain sympathies. Fortunately or unfortunately, you pick, I decided that I feel passionately enough about it to not care what people think. I've found that my blogs, in the most unlikely of places, have a track record of helping people. I hope that this one, too, might help somebody.

Depression. I have it. So do a lot of people. It's actually pretty common.

(Hyperbole and a Half really describes it best. See picture.)

I've had Depression since high school, by my reckoning. I was easily upset, then. The littlest things would trigger me into a downward spiral of anger, bitterness, and loneliness. It could have nothing to do with my life, and have no affect on me at all, and it would depress the crap out of me. I felt completely unloved, much of the time. I felt quite alone, hated, and quite useless. College was a little better, the mission a little harder, and I still struggle with it today.

Throughout my life I've been told by friends, strangers, clergy, myself, that because I have Depression, I am:

• Selfish
• Weak
• Not keeping the commandments
• Not praying enough
• Just being dramatic
• Don't have faith
• Making excuses

Et cetera, et cetera. The first time I was prescribed an anti-depressant I cried in front of the doctor. I was so horrified, so embarrassed by the tears streaming down my face, and how quickly they had come. I had just told the man I was Depressed, and was instantly overcome with self-loathing and shame. He was more than happy to write the anti-depressant prescription. But because of my shame, I took one pill and stopped. 

I told myself it was my fault. I told myself it was because I was unmanageable. I was being dramatic, and if I'd just pray to God, more, I wouldn't feel this way. As a social work major, it was easy for me to say that Depression was a chemical imbalance, and has a biological root. It was easy to say, but for me, no, I was different. My Depression was a sign of my weak and flawed character. So if I could only do more, only be better, only be less selfish, I would be fine. God's grace was there to help my weaknesses, right? I only had to believe, and the Depression would go away. 

On the mission, I drove myself nuts. I was Depressed because I wasn't putting my full effort into the work. Every time I didn't have the enthusiasm to do a good, hard 30-minute workout in the morning, the natural result HAD to be Depression. I knew it. I had failed Him. I wasn't doing everything I could do. I snapped at my companion - I was going to Hell. I disliked a zone leader - surely I shouldn't be happy. How could such a hateful, horrible person ever deserve anything better? We didn't make our goals. I overslept on my lunchtime nap. I broke down in tears, sobbing hysterically, one morning, and I didn't know why - surely I didn't have the faith the Savior required of one of His servants. 

I got on an anti-depressant on the mission. It cost my family $90 a month. I couldn't do that to them. Not when it was just an issue of my faith. After a couple months on the anti-depressant, I quit it, again, and, in learned helplessness fashion, resigned myself to the work. Get up even when you don't feel like it. Put on your shoes. Kick your butt out the door and just do it. Exact obedience would show evidence of my faith, and my Depression would be healed, would it not? I couldn't make anyone else pay for weaknesses. $90 a month? I could just grow the faith I needed, for $90 a month, and cure myself that way. But we stayed too long at dinner appointments, regularly going over one hour. Each time, I beat myself up over it. Obviously I wasn't obedient enough. I was failing God.

I got back home from my mission two years ago, but even now, sometimes I still tell myself lies about my Depression - I didn't cook dinner like I said I was going to - I have a complete inability to care for and love my husband, by not cooking like I said I was going to. Why does he even love me? I'm just his trial. I am a trial. I am disobedient, because I didn't pray this morning - why should God love me, or bless me? I made someone upset - I deserve all the hate I receive, and it only makes sense that I am ignored, and have no one to talk to. Ultimately, all of my friends will leave me. This is inevitable. It has already begun. "What proof do you have otherwise?" I've debated anti-depressants again, off and on for the last two years. I've started and quit them repeatedly. (I'm a social worker. I know how bad that is, so don't tell me.) Eventually being on an anti-depressant just started causing me severe anxiety and panic attacks - so not worth it. 

I'm at a really good place right now, though, without anti-depressants - which is no easy task, and not something I'd necessarily recommend for everyone. I've worked hard to be where I am now. Not in the "work hard" way I thought I could do it, on my mission, though. No amount of "hard work" could help my Depression. Beating myself up like that only ever made it worse. But how do I do it? How am I doing better, now? Now, I've done it with sympathy and love for myself. 

Some days you don't cook. Screw it. Who cares? Some days you just feel like crying. Well you should do it, then! Don't judge yourself for it. So it's irrational and crazy to cry for no reason? That's okay. Accept yourself for who you are, and just cry it out. You are struggling, but you are an amazing person. You are strong, you are loving. You work hard, you care about doing what's right. Your heart is in such a good place, and you don't deserve a single minute of sitting around judging and hating yourself for who you are. You've done enough of that already. Love yourself. 

Depression. I have it. It kicks my butt, sometimes. 

BUT... (And that's a really big but) - It doesn't have to. 

My Depression has only as much power as I give it. The more I shirk away from being honest with myself and my emotions, the worse it gets. But when I can sit down, look at my heart and label the emotion - "Today I feel like I should maybe rot in Hell, I'm so worthless." - then I can do something about it. I can love myself as God loves me. All those lies I told myself, for years, were not God's words. God has done nothing but love me. And I need to learn to love myself too. It doesn't help to blame myself or hate myself for how I feel, just as it doesn't help to blame anyone else either. 

As I say in the "Relaxation Activity" for one of the groups I run, "Notice any areas of discomfort or pain you may feel. Be aware of that discomfort - it is neither good nor bad. Just be aware of it, and move on." (It's a group for people with chronic conditions. That's why we talk about pain.) 

The World Health Organization has a fantastic video on YouTube. Since discovering it, I've found that it helps me, in forming a mental picture. Black Dog - (Not the Led Zeppelin Song, though that's an awesome ringtone.)

"I have a black dog," it starts. "and his name is Depression." Everyone has their own black dog, it continues. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some sneak up on you, while some just sit on your chest and stare you in the face. Some are trained to your command, and some are far from it. 

Become aware of your "black dogs." Train them, tame them, teach them to heel. ("Heal." That's clever wording. See what they did there?) 

There's nothing you could do so wrong that would make you "deserve" Depression. Is it normal to be sad sometimes? Absolutely. Are you weak for it? Are you selfish? Is it just a sign that you're not praying enough? Not at all. Do not beat yourself up needlessly. 

God loves you. So often, with Depression, I think the secret lies in loving yourself. It's hard! A therapist and I discussed, once, how to teach someone that they are loved. I don't think you can. No amount of saying, "I love you." is going to make someone believe it. It never worked for me. The only way you can teach someone who feels that they are unlovable that they ARE lovable is by loving them. They have to learn through experience that they are loved. 

And if you have Depression, you can start with yourself. Instead of hating yourself, putting yourself down, or judging yourself, give yourself a hug. Love yourself. Imagine yourself back at a time when you felt you WERE worthy of love. Maybe that's when you were a child. I don't know. Imagine yourself as that child, and imagine putting that child down with all the negativity you are putting yourself down with right now, and stop it. You don't deserve it. You never have, and you never will deserve that kind of loathing. No one is perfect. You make mistakes. Should I hate you for them? No. Even if you killed my child, (on accident), I shouldn't hate you. Forgiveness is SO real, and it starts with yourself. 

So that was a lot of Depression STUFF. I guess, in summary, Depression is real. But it should never be something you destroy yourself with, as so many who suffer with it are prone to do. Don't believe the lies it tells you about yourself, or even the lies that misguided, well-intentioned others tell you about what Depression is. You're not weak. You're not being selfish. Trust me, it doesn't reflect on the level of your faith. But having faith in God, and loving yourself like God loves you, with all of your imperfections, IS the best help there is.