Today's Relief Society lesson was on Sustaining our Faith - including sustaining our leadership. This is something that was hard for me, once upon a time, until I realized that sustaining doesn't mean agreeing with everything 100%. You can sustain them and still imagine what you would do differently. Sustaining means defending, supporting, and helping them continue to carry out their role.
Today was also a hard day for me, though, as yet another friend of mine posted on Facebook their decision to leave the church. It's an odd, complex series of emotions, when someone you love wants to leave the church. There are a lot of complications. First, there's that sadness you feel, because you wish that they were still "with" you, on that same team of belief. There's sadness if you have a testimony of the covenants and authority of the church, because you now have room for worry and concern regarding people's spiritual welfare, eternal progression, their family ties and sealings. (Then guilt at even thinking of expressing these things, because it could be misinterpreted as a prideful 'thinking you know better' than them, and coming off in the wrong way, when all you're feeling is love and concern.)
Second, in my case, with some of the friends that I have seen leave the church, there's also a confused happiness for them. I trust people's personal experiences, personal revelations, and individual relationships with Deity, because I trust my own. I know several friends who have left the church, and felt divine guidance in doing so - that God leads them, for one reason or another, to leave, ultimately, for their own happiness, which I know is God's goal for each of us. That they have the courage to follow what God has told them, despite fears of judgment and the unknown, is something that makes me incredibly happy for them. A willingness to follow God blindly is extremely commendable.
A loving God, who has all our best interests at heart, can tell one person to stay, like me, and another to leave, like many of my friends. I am sure that this all aligns with the great cosmic plan for each of us - that God knows what will make each of us happy individually on these paths. It reminds me of a story I read regarding David O McKay, who was meeting with an LGBT member. In my own words, but keeping the message, the member was telling the prophet of his struggles, and at the end of their visit, the prophet reminded the member, "Stay close to Jesus." The member insisted, "I am. I'm going to church. I'm going to the temple. I'm..." David O McKay stopped him. "I didn't say stay close to the church. I said stay close to Jesus." Because for some, there is a difference.
We have a very strict, structured church, which doesn't work for some. Being strict and structured is not actually a divine mandate. As all of our earthly children are different, so too are all of us. Some of us buck at structure, hackles raised at lists of "shoulds" and conservative suggestions veiled as doctrine. And when you're bucking with raised hackles, whatever those are, it is very difficult to remember the POINT of all of this - that God loves you, and wants you.
Our church is not perfect. Our history has garbage. Pretty severe garbage, in a lot of instances. Our leaders express opinions about things that are not doctrinal, but because of the title of "Prophet," questioning these opinions can feel like a faith crisis, as you are suddenly shamed into the "disobedient" category of people, gambling with Hell-fire for wearing curlers in public or dancing with bad posture. (See the 1965 For the Strength of the Youth pamplet for those prophetic opinions.) I do, sincerely, believe that some people's road to God, who is, in fact, the point, is best found outside of this complicated church.
Which brings me to my third feeling - a feeling and emotion I've felt, when learning of a friend's departure from the church, and that was my feeling today. Today I was left feeling angry, in a disappointed way. Today I was angry that I belong to a church that makes it so difficult for good people to find peace. I was angry that the church makes it so difficult for good people to stay, or even want to come join us.
I was angry that I belong to a church that doesn't apologize for mistakes of the past. Perhaps God worked through the mistake of denying Africans and African Americans the priesthood, to unknowingly bless more people, but it doesn't change the fact that there were very real victims of a needless policy, who deserve an apology, rather than a formal gas-lighting of their vision of God's love. Don't even get me started on polygamy.
I was angry that I belong to a church that doesn't stop preaching culture from the pulpits - instead streamlining men, women, and children into crisp white shirts, suits, and ties, with Sunday dresses, to create cookie cutter versions of the American 60's conservative ideal. They forget that they are a worldwide church, in a world with many different cultures, with so much to offer. When they say "Come as you are!" they don't always leave room for you to stay that way. And no. (I hear the rebuttal already.) They're NOT always changing you for the better. Sometimes they rob you of that which gives you soul, substance, life, and vibrancy.
I was angry. It was complicated, tear-filled, and enraging. I've been through the ringer with my own relationship with the church. My complaints are very much my own, and could show you my struggles more than anyone else's. I was angry because of that relationship with the church that I have - always feeling like I'm on the outside of a business-modeled machine, rather than in a spiritual, familial one. Always questioning, complaining, and never able to feel the peace of belonging and agreeing wholeheartedly. Instead, through choosing to remain in this church, showing up every Sunday I resign myself ofttimes to the position of either silent disgruntlement, or outspoken "grump," - positions which do not necessarily promote feelings of "fellowship" with the saints. (I'm not grumpy every week. Most weeks are very doctrinal, but on the weeks that aren't? Oy vey. You got the grumbling, mumbling, "THAT'S not doctrine" me, in the back of the room. The self-appointed Doctrine police, slowly driving myself into soul-crushing insanity, for wanting to belong with God.)
I've learned only in recent years to protect my relationship with God from my relationship with His church.
So feeling so angry today made me ponder on that Relief Society lesson - am I sustaining my leadership? I stand that the answer is yes. I don't believe God has called any other prophets. I don't believe God has given authority to any other church. I sustain them every Sunday I show up, angry though I may be, and CONTINUE, because God has told me to, because I have had experiences in the past that have made my love for this gospel and the doctrines, and the restorations of truths rock solid. I know this church, imperfect though it is, because of its mortal membership, is absolutely God's, and He's not giving up on it yet. Like the parable of the Master of the Vineyard, we need more pruning, grafting, and dunging. All is not lost. Not yet.
The question I left with was "How do we sustain each other?" How do we help defend, support, and help each other CONTINUE in this church we believe to be God's own? If the word "sustain" only makes you think of callings, think of membership in the church as a calling. How can we sustain each other as members? What can we do differently, so that we stop losing each other on steep, rough paths of life, and instead help each other feel a little more of God, who is, after all, the entire point of this? That's what I want to see for the church. More God and more peace for the layman, with fewer distractions or obstacles, that make that path so needlessly tough or blinding.
Nathan expressed gratitude for Donald Trump today. Naturally, I nearly died, but listened, intrigued. "I hope that the church is able to see how disgusted young people are becoming with the Republican party - how hypocritical and self-righteous all of it is. I hope the church sees that these "conservative values" are not what we want, and they should stop trying to look like that."
I don't have answers. I have more "Why" questions than I care to admit. We are losing our friends, from this church. They're not leaving for their own gain - so they can have free sex, drink coffee, shop on Sundays, and get tattoos. They're leaving for all the right reasons.
They're leaving to find peace, to find answers they couldn't find, and to feel God's love. It's not for lack of trying, not for any shortcomings on their parts, or because they didn't do "enough." It's because we're not sustaining THEM. We're not validating their experiences, their relationships with Deity, and their spiritual needs. And yes, they're allowed to have their own spiritual needs, and we need to respond with nothing more complicated than love. Love that they can see and feel, all reasonable obstacles removed. I can only pray that someday we are able to help sustain each other better. Hopefully soon. Because our prophet said it - "Time is Running Out."
