When I moved to this new city in which I live, I introduced myself to the Relief Society Presidency as being a "grumpy" Mormon. I hold an active temple recommend. I read and pray and attend church weekly. By all accounts, I'm in line. Yet I'm grumpy. I disagree with policies and culture. None of these things are doctrine, so I'm not going to Hell over this, don't worry. (Trick statement! We don't even believe in Hell, and if we do, it's only reserved for Sons of Perdition. Doctrinally, prophets past have disagreed with each other on if women are even capable of being Sons of Perdition, but at any rate, I don't believe I'm in that kind of danger.)
General Conference has, statistically, been difficult for me. Oh, I watch all five sessions every conference, including Priesthood session. (If Hank Smith can watch the Women's Conference and tweet on it, I can watch his.) But it's difficult for me. There are a lot of cultural things, and though it may make me unpopular to say it, I often come away with a "least favorite talk," where I get to rant about how I disagree with the image the church is trying to portray for itself, and about how we would be better Christians if we cared less about this that or the other, etc, etc.
But I started into it today with an open mind, ready to be enlightened. My spiritual answer to the question in my heart came early - right at the beginning of the first talk. Elder Holland quoted a story from the Bible.
Luke 18:35-42
As He approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging.
When he heard a crowd going by, he asked what was happening.
The told him, "Jesus of Nazareth is passing by."
Then he shouted, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"
Those who were in front sternly ordered him to be quiet; but he shouted even more loudly, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"
Jesus stood still and ordered the man to be brought to him; and when he came near, He asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?" He said, "Lord, let me see again."
Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has saved you."
Elder Holland took this story, and extrapolated that it was nice the blind man surrounded himself with people who would help him. That was not at all the message I got from the reading, where people were sternly telling this blind man to shut up and stop embarrassing everybody.
No, the answer I got came to me straight in the heart.
God knows that I am a grumpy Mormon. I would argue that He loves me for it, because my grumpiness is the grumpiness of someone wanting to aim higher. God's voice speaks the loudest to me when I'm grumpy - giving me snippets of insight and truth as I struggle with the mortality surrounding me.
Today God whispered to me that I am the blind man. So when I start up my embarrassing yelling - my grumping and disagreements, don't worry about the people shushing all around me. Yell out the louder. Because I want God to work His miracles. I want to see God's truth reflected in this church with these very eyes of my own, not the eyes of my grandchildren, long after I am gone. So God whispered peace to me, a kind assurance of, "Keep grumping. Don't keep quiet. Don't let yourself get pressured into thinking that you can't ask for these miracles. Yell louder."
