For pertinent backstory, my family has a bit of an "unholy" personality. My sister was present at the birth of my second child, and we laughed up a storm the whole time, and told jokes to no end. During my labor, when I'd asked my sister if I'd pooped during a contraction, she said that I absolutely had. "You're disgusting." she had added. And it was the truth. And we laughed. My mother and I began our conversing at the dinner in like manner - pointing out truths boldly, but without overt emotional investment or intended offense.
Mom pointed out to the Relief Society president herself, that the Relief Society had once been run independently from the priesthood, but had been consolidated underneath the priesthood in the mid-1900's, she thought. A few feminism jokes at the Relief Society's expense, and we sat. The tables had pictures, and later we would find, matching pictures taped underneath the chairs, for a "getting to know you" activity later on.
My mother had been asked to speak. The topic? Why I Love Relief Society. But fun fact.
She hates it.
My mother had imagined concourses of women assigned 2 minute talks, as she had been. But fun fact.
She was the only one.
My mother, who never tells a lie, did not, in fact, tell a lie. (You don't lie, do you Mom?)
An uncomfortable room full of women celebrating the birth of the Relief Society sat and listened as my mother stated that she did not, in fact, like the Relief Society. She did not, in fact, have a testimony of the Relief Society in its current condition. Now, that may make it sound like my mother jumped forth from her seat and paraded her opinion, lording it over everyone's heads. She didn't. In fact, she apologized about 4 times, stated she was worried the Relief Society president had called the wrong person to talk, and spoke humbly regarding the inconsistencies she saw. But then my mother made a point that has stuck with me.
She mentioned that she was raised by a feminist father - that she had never doubted that she had any more or less importance then anyone else. When she joined the Church, however, she first saw and questioned that equality - in Relief Society.
Women treat each other like children, like victims, as incompetent. Instead of intellectually approaching a lesson with pertinent, thought provoking conversation, valuable time can be spent on doilies and handouts. (Just the week before, in Relief Society, our teacher had been discussing The Good Shepherd, and had handed out scriptures to read to the class on paper cut and shaped like SHEEP. She spent at least 20 minutes cutting out those sheep and writing scriptures on them, because why? Because we, as full grown women, would appreciate a scripture more if it was CUTE?) Building a maternal, supportive community, and serving our neighbors takes second place to being "nice," "polite," and "delicate." To quote a talk from a General Conference, "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined." While these are certainly lovely traits to aspire to, they must not come at the cost of honesty, sincerity, and being "without guile." And heaven sakes. Don't be stuffy. Have fun!
Relief Society has lost its vision, and unfortunately, I fear, may be causing doubts in many a faithful feminist who does not feel at home in the Church, where the culture casts aspersions at a woman's capacity.
The Relief Society claims to be the world's largest women's organization, but can it truly be called a women's organization if it operates under the direction of a men-only organization? So long as Relief Society Presidents are called to assist bishops, receive lesson topics from bishops, have to seek approval for activities from bishops, etc, that "equality" can be questioned. Recently some ladies from my actual neighborhood, and 1:30 ward, were asking about a ward Facebook page. When were we going to get one? I, as a semi-member of that ward, waited in anticipation for this wonderful means of communicating with my "actual" ward, and the thought that we might have activities, quick social invites to play groups, etc.
The women spoke. Not our job, so we'll just have to see. As a feminist, I commented, "Well, why don't we just do it, and make it our job?" No go.
Women are intelligent, and, believe it or not, we have something to offer.
I follow Big Ocean Women. They're a maternal feminism movement, which I would not be surprised to find is run by a bunch of members of The Church. This week they've been at the UN, and, during naptime, I tuned in to listen to a live cast of one of their speeches. (Thank you Facebook.) They spoke about the Maternal Economy. They felt that government/the UN/the MAN was going about "fixing" things all wrong. They currently operate under the assumption that women are in the negative - they are lacking things. So they're sending women in other countries things that they think they need - abortions, etc, to help them. The Maternal Economy, Big Ocean Women argues, is not lacking. They are not in debt, and do, in fact, have things to offer. Instead of women screaming out a list of demands, and things that they NEED, women are better empowered by offering what they have, and being valued for that. This fight for women cannot be won from the outside in. We don't need outside entities to take care of us. WE can take care of us, and then we can take care of them, and them, and them, etc. I don't need my government to take care of me. I take care of my family. I give and care for my community, and make the world a better place from the inside out. Let's be honest. I missed the first 50 minutes, and this probably sounds like the rantings of a crazy, tired mother, but that 5 minute summary at the ending got me thinking.
What is wrong with Relief Society?
I asked my husband what he loved about Elders Quorum tonight. He told me that he loves it more than Sunday School. He loves how relevant it is, and noted that they have some great discussions. Elders Quorum, when done well, creates a strong feeling of fraternal brotherhood.
The sheep handouts and strict, rigid lesson structure I had in Relief Society last week gave me no feelings of sisterhood.
I feel sisterhood when I can tell my sister I think I pooped on the table, and she can tell me, "You totally did," and we can laugh about it. I feel sisterhood when I can take my screaming toddler by the arm and tell my sister we have to leave early, and she doesn't judge me, or worry about our relationship. I feel sisterhood when I can whisper covertly with my sister, calculating days on her phone's calendar, to determine if my pregnancy scare is genuinely concerning. (TOTALLY not pregnant. Thank goodness. Not trying for that, right now. Thank you Hannah.)
Being told we couldn't create our own ward Facebook page gave me no feelings of empowerment.
I feel empowerment when I come up with an idea, and see it through to successful completion. I feel empowered when I am supported in my ideas, and assisted, rather than roadblocked for petty tyrannical reasons. I feel empowered when I don't need permission at every step, and can be independent. I feel empowered when I can help someone who was unable to help themselves.
My mother and I were some of the last people left at the dinner. We'd had to switch to a different table, though fortunately had gone together, to tell the new people at this new table some of our favorite things.
Our table-mate loved her nail gun, and building furniture. I loved archaeology and ancient history. My mom loved cemetery photography. Everything about US screamed capable and independent. We talked about travel, we talked about neurology, we talked about the proper way to finish a table. If you'd put the three of us in a room to discuss finding a solution to a problem, we would have found one. We were smart. But all three of us hated Relief Society.
I don't know what needs to change, and understand that it is cultural. Perhaps it is only a Utah problem. (And a BYU-Idaho problem, but their problems also had to do with too many women and not enough men, so secretly, we were all kind of jealous and critical of each other.) I don't know what the solution is. But I'm not alone in hating the Relief Society.
Maybe it would be better if we were truly run independently, no bishop approvals, etc. Generally, the church could give us back all the "relief" jobs - global disasters, training programs, etc. I would love to see women run that department.
Do you have an answer?
