It's time.
My Dear Sweet Summer Child,
You don't know how wonderful you are.
How I love you. I love everything about you, while simultaneously knowing that you are extremely sad and lonely. That doesn't last forever.
Child? Drugs. You have depression and anxiety issues. There's no shame in that, and guess what? You can feel five times better than you currently do, and all you have to do is tell your freaking doctor and get on some good medications. That's my first piece of advice for you. For the love of all that is holy, goodness sakes, child, GET ON MEDICATION, and don't you dare stop it! It took you far too long to figure out what "normal" feels like, and I'd like to spare you that. Go get on some medication. Prozac seems to work the best, cause you're also going to end up getting an OCPD diagnosis - SORRY - and Prozac seems to be the best fit for that one. Then, when you're less stuffy and grumpy from OCPD, the Depression/Anxiety stuff settles down even easier. Maybe start with Prozac. Might be really nice for you? Who knows! (Yeah, that's a personality diagnosis I mentioned. Scary stuff, eh? It's not that bad. Don't let "personality disorder" scare you off. You can manage this. Frankly, you already have been, and with some insight, you might even have an easier time of it.)
But anyway, why am I thinking of you today?
Facebook Memories.
Understandably, there are several things here we need to talk about.
Yes, that is a bearded man in the profile picture with you. (That's the first thing you noticed. I know you, friend. You're a little obsessed with getting married. It's the culture, I get that, but take a freaking CHILL PILL.)
GIRL. That man IS your husband. You've been married for many many years. (I'm not going to tell you how many, because if I did that, you'd do the math, and that would quickly become the worst year of your life as you obsessed with getting married, which is exactly what you're NOT supposed to do, because if you obsess, you might screw it up. The only reason things worked out so well was because your husband was absolutely, 100% a rebound, so your "give a damn" was busted, and you were refreshingly YOURSELF, which is who your husband loved. AWWWWWWW.) Yes, you have kids. Life is good. Each year of marriage is happier than the last, and you can quite assuredly state that your husband is your best friend.
Calm down. "Murphy" sparked tremendous joy, and in a few years, a short woman named Marie is going to say, "This sparks joy." and you're going to understand a lot better. That moment will come, and the alarm bell is going to go off in your head, and you're going to remember this letter from future me, and say, "NOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAY." And it will absolutely be "way."
You've never liked your name. Remember when you tried to change your name to "Tarren," but nobody would call you that, because Tarren is not a real name? And then you complained to your mother that she named you "Grace," and that you felt that "Justice" would have been more fitting? You've never liked your name, and as an adult, life happens, and you figure that you might as well change it. And like I said. "Murphy" sparked tremendous joy.
MURPH. Say it with an ugly face. Laugh. It's awesome. Remember how you get on medication and get over your Depression and Anxiety and you're married to your best friend, and nothing can hurt you anymore? MURPH. This is joy.
So why did THIS post catch my attention, you might be wondering, now.
That's what I need to talk to you about.
God is cool. The first bit, where you talked about God? Absolutely great. God loves us. God is absolutely involved in your life! When you're dating your husband, you actually have huge commitment issues, and guess what? God literally tells you in your head that you need to marry him. Out of the blue. No question, God is behind your marriage.
Because God is behind a lot of things in your life. You're at the university you're at, right now, because God told you to go there. In less than a year, God is also, undeniably, going to give you another direction. I hope you're sitting down, because SURPRISE. You're going to serve a mission. (I know. Bull crap! But really, you are!) You're going to graduate, and then? Toronto Canada. Just like that. You turn down a job offer and everything. You do it, because you know, 100%, that that is what God wants you to do. Because you're REALLY GOOD at listening to God, and frankly, you know it, you cocky devil you. And you do it, because you do EVERYTHING that you're supposed to, because you are an amazing person, and I will never cease to be amazed by your commitment and love for truth.
I heard a bible scholar say, the other day, that "truth," historically, was seen as a path, and not something that could ever have "scientific evidence." "Truth" is a journey, not a certainty.
You said that you were grateful for the gospel. I am grateful for Christ's teachings, too. Christ taught one message, over and over again. He taught that the Kingdom of God is here. The Kingdom of God is available now. In preparing for your mission, you'll go through the temple, and that will actually be a huge takeaway for you. You "enter the presence of the Lord" today. You can symbolically pass through the veil into God's presence EVERY DAY that you go to the temple. You sit in the "Celestial Room." The Kingdom of God is here and now. "Time" is not the same, for God, and your salvation is to be experienced in the present. Christ taught this.
Unfortunately, your future leads you to different interpretations of "truth," than that which you expressed in my Facebook memories this morning. I know. You just had General Conference, and you were bearing your testimony. I understand that. That's the expectation, and honestly, good things were likely said which resounded and brought you peace. I believe that, and I'm happy that it brought you peace.
Today, I know that I'm happier than you, though, and I had a glass of wine while preparing dinner, tonight. Chardonnay. You like the after taste. Lambic beer is the best, though. The alcohol content isn't as high, so not as "sharp," and yet it is prepared similar to wine, so it's more fruity than camel pee, dirt tasting traditional beer. Which is garbage. The lemonade stuff is fine. (You spent a lot of money trying out different alcohols to figure out which ones tasted good, so I'll try and save you the money. Do NOT start with Bailey's. Your eyes burned! You're not ready for that, and frankly, you might never be. Heaven knows, I'm not.)
I'm not huge into alcohol. I enjoy a glass while cooking upon occasion. It makes me appreciate food more. It makes me think about taste. I'm not addicted to sugar quite like I was, because my pallet has matured. Today I was also stressing about money issues, and the glass took that edge away.
I drink coffee every morning - start with a mocha, and heaven knows, do NOT drink coffee without creamer to start with, again, for that immature pallet which is going to tell you that you will die. Coffee is fantastic. You feel healthier drinking that than the Diet Coke which you were previously addicted to, to get through the day. (Drink more water. Do it for your kidneys. I'm begging you.)
Sweet summer child. I am trying to stand in your shoes in this moment. I have just dropped a bomb on you, and I did it in as shocking a manner as I could, to break the ice. I did it with a smile, and tried to keep it light-hearted, but I know what you're thinking.
You are rejecting yourself. Future you is weak. Future you somehow got "lost." Future you must be so unhappy. Future you is disappointing you.
Future you only has love for you. I understand you better than you know, and I am in awe of you, not because I think you are better than me, but because I know where you are, why you are there, where you will go, and why you will go there. Because YOU are ME.
"No." I can hear you say. "No. I will never become you, and make the mistakes you make. I will do better."
I've had that conversation with God several times. On our mission, God told us to go home early. Oh boy, girl, it's uncomfortable, and you just KNOW everybody assumes you sinned. And did you? Girl, you know you. Of COURSE you didn't. But God tells you to go home anyway.
I wish I could drag you there and sit with you in that moment. It was heart-breaking. I can look back on you, crying as you sit on top of the bed in that Guelph apartment, tears streaming down your face as you beg God to forgive you. For what? Depression? Missing your previous area? It's so sudden, you're not sure, but you just KNOW it's your fault. Why would God tell you to go home early? "I'm sorry." you'll plead. "I can do better!"
But you can't. You, who does everything at 110%, CAN NOT do any better than you already have, and God tells you that you haven't done anything wrong, too. God thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread. God gives you peace, and assures you that this was a part of the plan. God is proud of you! And guess what? You go home, you meet your rebound, and badda bing, badda boom, you're married in less than a year. (DANGIT. I told you I wasn't going to tell you when it would happen. Oh well. Just joke about Ted Bundy. It'll all work out.)
God is proud of you. And God is proud of me. Nothing has changed for me there. Walking with God is what brings happiness. I agree with you there. We absolutely agree.
How one walks with God is what we disagree on.
In your life, and on your mission, you were taught that the gospel was clear. Black and white. There were logical, clear answers to all of it. Everything had an answer and a place. It all fit neatly into its boxes.
Time showed you, however, that that God of Love, you believe in, didn't fit. You trusted what prophets said instead of trusting in Love. You calculated your way through human beings, that you forgot the expansion of loving them. You forgot that Love is the highest law, and you were not alone in that. You were led to believe that there were stipulations to love - conditions to love. Rules, laws, and bounds that regulated the appropriateness of love. That love was something that could and should be experienced the same by everyone - that happiness and peace was "one size fits all." That God would love us and give us peace, all of us identically - with no varying degrees of allowance, or respect for love languages and differing needs.
You trusted men to tell you what was sin, and what was righteousness, without trusting your own heart to tell you. These Facebook memories, I tell you! I swear, I saw a memory that was six years old, the other day, where you went off bearing your testimony about how happy you were to have your family, and that you didn't need to "party" and drink alcohol to find peace. You felt you were so much BETTER than other people, that your beliefs made you different than them - more enlightened. You were so busy judging them that you didn't love them. That you didn't see the love that THEY had, that light that THEY carried, which YOU didn't have. And you didn't have it because you didn't have love.
And that wasn't your fault. You were raised in a system that put limits on love. It put limits on potential. It put limits on you, because you weren't a man. It put limits on your neighbor, because they drank caffeine at a higher temperature than you. It told you to "fit in" rather than to "belong" - to come EXACTLY as you are - right and wrong defined and determined by your own authority, your own heart, and your own soul.
You are good.
This is the flaw of Christianity. Christianity teaches that mankind is flawed - in need of saving. There is something intrinsically unacceptable about you.
I reject this. You are beautiful in all your flaws, your weaknesses and imperfections. You don't like your flaws. Why should you be punished twice for something you are not proud of? Mistakes you made because of your mortality, the foibles of biology and psychology, and the complicated mess of intertwining relational cause and effects? You are human, and each step you take towards goodness, towards love, is a walk with God, is entering that kingdom.
Gordon B Hinckley said that we should have "a love affair" with the scriptures. Remember how right that felt? How passionate that felt? How good?
What makes us so uncertain about our own unworthiness, that we would assume God does not desire us in that same way? I want to have a love affair with God - not a pleading, begging, domineering relationship. It's never been that way for us, has it? Not when it was right, healthy, good, and we were getting answers. God has always been peace and love. I choose to have a love affair with God. I am of worth, and I am desired by God, as I desire God.
I don't know what God is, and frankly, I embrace the uncertainty, now. Paternal doesn't feel right. Search out your experiences. Heaven knows. I've already searched them. All we've ever known from God is love. Unconditional love. I'm not sure the details matter.
I chose to make God's love unconditional, by rejecting any voice that made it conditional. God hasn't left. God hasn't warned me, or threatened me, or told me I'm risking hellfire in these decisions. The opposite. I've never felt so free, so at peace, so unburdened by pressure and anxiety. I have been heartbroken, yes. That's mortality, isn't it. But it had nothing to do with God.
Sweet Summer Child.
You will eventually journey down the roads I've been on. You'll see what I saw, and wrestle with those issues that I wrestled with. My heart breaks for you, my 110% girl. You will be devastated. But I need you to know that God is not leaving you. God is not bound within the confines of a church, or a set of beliefs. God is in you, and you are worthy.
You will see God in the eyes of your children. You will see the beauty that is love. So much is uncertain, but with love, nothing else matters. The Kingdom of Heaven is now.
I love you, and you are worthy of every good thing. You are so small, and understand so little, in the scale of things. But look at you! Like an ant carrying several times its weight, your limited understanding only makes your potential for love remarkable. Everything is in its place, as it should be, and I wish you peace.
Peace is hard to find, but only made harder to find by convincing yourself it is found in wrestling and fighting, not sitting still, and accepting the bounty that is already yours.
Your life is going to be good. Better than you know. You are smart and capable, and the world is your oyster. Be yourself. YOU are fantastic.
So Much Love,
Future You
