KNOWING NOTHING:
Pain. Flashes and
streaks of pure white, clouding vision and all thought. Blinding,
deafening, pressing harder and harder...
Pain.
In a moment it was
gone, an afterimage miraging shapes with each blink. Oxygen came more
easily, and she found herself sweating, trembling, gasping, and weak.
“Are you
alright?” a voice asked, and she was faintly aware of another
presence. A hand gently touched her arm, cautiously soothing.
“I’m fine. I’m
fine.”
She voiced the
words without thought, doing all she could to calm her frenzied
senses, still a fevered heart, recover a clearer sight, and breathe
through the splitting of her head.
“Alright. Come
over here.” the voice directed again, and she felt a slight
pressure on her elbow, pulling her from her seated position to walk
wearily to a padded chair.
She sat, blinking
slowly, gingerly touching fingers to head.
“I’m so sorry.”
her companion sighed. She saw him then – graying at the temples,
his clothing wrinkled and worn. He walked beside her with care,
obvious concern pinching the corners of his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright.”
she confirmed, feeling herself slowly regaining control of her
senses. “I’m alright.” She glanced behind herself, back towards
where she had been.
A hard metal chair,
a metal bowl-shaped disk hung upside down over top of it. She
couldn’t remember, but by the looks of it, the contraption had
likely been placed on her head. That was the shape of it, anyway.
Her companion
continued to mutter to himself with mothering worry as he stepped
towards a fireplace, tucked off in a corner of the room. A pot hung
over it, simmering. She vaguely heard the words “...don’t know
how much longer...” as he grabbed the pot with a cloth and placed
it on the table beside the fire.
She looked around
the room as he worked, doing her best to focus her vision. The room
was dark, with a dusty sense of age. All of the essentials were
present – bed, table, chairs. The fire seemed to be the only source
of warmth, and she could hear a howling wind outside, from underneath
the wooden door. Through the window she saw only darkness – night.
“Here.” her
companion pressed, at her side once more, holding a steaming mug.
“Drink up. You’ll feel better. How is your head?”
“Getting better.”
she stated honestly, taking the mug from him with careful hands. The
warm ceramic felt good on her fingers, so she gripped it with both
hands, holding the steam to her face and breathing it in. It had a
fresh peppermint scent, which seemed to chase off the last of the fog
from her mind. She drank it gratefully.
Her companion sat,
sinking down into the remaining padded chair in the room. He leaned
back, rubbing at his eyes. “I don’t know why this isn’t
working.” he sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t want to keep
doing this, if it’s not going to work. There’s got to be
something on the other side, that we don’t know about, that’s
preventing it.”
She listened
quietly, sipping silently in response, still recovering.
But from what?
“If there was an easier way, we’d give up.” he continued. “But I can’t see another option, not with things as they are, right now. Can we really afford to keep putting you through this, though?”
“If there was an easier way, we’d give up.” he continued. “But I can’t see another option, not with things as they are, right now. Can we really afford to keep putting you through this, though?”
She didn’t say
anything, only continued sipping her drink.
He watched her,
waiting, and his eyes slowly darkened. “What are you thinking?”
Worry slowly crept
its way into her chest, replacing her numbed silence with dread and
fear.
“I...” she
started, biting her bottom lip slowly. She didn’t want to
disappoint him. “I want to help. I do.” she mumbled. “I just…
If you could tell me what it is exactly we’re doing, then I might
be able to help more. I just don’t… I don’t know what you
need...”
Her companion’s
eyes had widened, horror replacing the sad expression that had been
present only moments earlier. He leapt from his chair to crouch at
her side, a hand shooting to her arm then hesitating, trembling. “Do…
Can you tell me your name?” he asked.
It was a simple
enough question. Yet she found that the answer was not so simple.
She shook her head,
too afraid to state her not knowing out-loud.
Her companion
swallowed, and his trembling moved from his hand to his throat. “Do…
What is the last thing you remember?”
Nothing.
“I… Pain?”
“What kind of
pain?” His eyebrows furrowed, his eyes fixed on her face.
“It… There was
just white, and then it stopped, and I was here...”
Despite all her not
knowing, she knew enough to know that she should know more. And that
made her afraid.
Her companion
seemed to crumble internally before her. He swallowed, his eyes
brimming with tempered emotion. He sucked in air, holding it in with
tight swallows. “Okay.” he mumbled, blinking quickly. “Okay.
Um...”
She knew nothing,
but sensed his grief. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“No, no, no!”
he stated quickly, swallowing back more emotion. “No, it’s okay.
It’s alright. You don’t need to be sorry. I just...” He
straightened himself, and smiled, something she knew was entirely
forced and painful. His moistened eyes betrayed him. “You’re safe
here.” he assured, smoothing her arm. “I will take care of you.
You are perfectly safe. I’m here to help you.”
“I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean…”
“That’s
alright!” he assured again. “You haven’t done anything wrong! I
just… I’m going to head outside for a minute.” he swallowed.
“You make yourself comfortable. Have something to eat, or you can
lie down and rest. You’re probably tired. I’m just going to be
right outside for a minute. Everything is fine. You’re safe here.
Is that okay?”
She quietly nodded,
then took another sip of her drink.
Her companion stood
carefully, then stepped towards the front door, glancing back with
anxious eyes, and a false, comforting smile, before he stepped out,
closing the door behind him.
She sat back and
breathed in the steam of her drink, closing her eyes and trying to
let the drink’s warmth spread through her. She could feel its
warmth in her chest, could hear the crackling of the fire, and the
light hiss and pop of bursting wood.
She tried not to
worry.
Outside the wind
continued to howl, and faintly, she imagined, she could hear her
companion begin crying silently beneath the wind’s cover. She felt
to cry, herself, but could find no reason to.
A girl who knows
nothing has no reason for tears.
(Obviously could be a good story, but probably won't be. Just wanted to get that scene out!!)
WE LOST OUR MOTHER
We lost our Mother, and nobody cared.
I have to believe she exists, because I exist.
I have to believe that she loves me,
For I have a Father who loves me, undeniably.
Is there really room to doubt a Heavenly Mother’s love?
Our prophet recently listed 10 Most Important Things he Knows for Sure.
The first thing he mentioned was that God is our Father.
Second, he mentioned Christ is our Savior.
Our Mother didn’t even make the list.
She is a woman shrouded in mystery and silence.
She is unmentioned, unacclaimed, un-worshiped.
The ancients knew of Her, and worshipped Her with Him, as God.
However, in history, she was expunged.
We read that idolatry was rampant. Groves were set up, and there, unholy worship occurred.
It would be just the act of a Mother to step back, sacrifice Herself to silence
To ensure a clear path set for Her children to walk on - one less ambiguous and trying.
Regardless, she is a mystery,
Though a mystery our Church does nothing more to know about.
Through carefree indifference for half of our deific parentage,
We inadvertently disregard Her daughters - Her offspring, who know nothing of
Her, Her roles, or their own potential.
Through policies, ordinations to a solely male priesthood, and lack of female guidance,
We perpetuate the notion that only the male God is to rule,
While women accept their silent, unmentioned and mysterious places behind the men.
To say that roles are different, resulting in strictly male leadership and authority, is to suggest
That our Mother quietly takes her place
Because it is her ROLE to be a quiet, passive, obedient God.
Is she God the Mother?
Does She have nothing to teach?
Do our mothers serve no purpose but to feed and clothe the children, and support our fathers?
Are our mothers ordained to simply not stand and be counted strong on their own?
For all our praise of earthly mothers, we certainly treat them as second-class citizens,
Incapable of real independent thought, intention, or action.
Can we not be leaders? Can we not even lead ourselves, that we must be coddled and led
By men, and their priesthood?
The Bible mentions prophetesses. Women of power.
Their husbands are not mentioned.
I do not believe our Mother ought to be assigned
An afterthought position behind our Father.
Together, they are God.
But she can be mentioned as a capable God on Her own.
To simply have to state that sentence is offensive.
Ancient prophetesses received revelations.
We know in this dispensation women do too.
We see visions, we are given answers and understandings.
Anciently prophetesses were sought out for their wisdom and guidance.
There is no structure today in which a man would ever seek wisdom of a woman
Unless he were related to her.
Women provide insight, and different ways of thinking
That men do not have.
We compliment each other, to the point that our unions
Are sealed, and given divine weight.
Together, and only together, we receive exaltation.
Yet in our churches, men consult, preside, and decide on their own.
But women, too, are capable of standing.
A religion which does not reinforce honoring our Mother
By treating Her holy authority with reverence is lacking.
To say our Mother has Authority is easily met with confusion.
And if our God-half is not openly seen and treated as equal to our Father,
What hope do we have of ever being Her priestesses?
What hope do we have of ever having any say, or rule, or wisdom?
What kind of family could lose their Mother,
And say nothing?
What kind of family quietly acknowledges their Mother,
Knows that She exists, but cares little to know Her?
I am a mother. My religion has taught me that someday I can be like God.
I will be like my Heavenly Mother.
But she is lost.
And I don’t want to be.
I have to believe she exists, because I exist.
I have to believe that she loves me,
For I have a Father who loves me, undeniably.
Is there really room to doubt a Heavenly Mother’s love?
Our prophet recently listed 10 Most Important Things he Knows for Sure.
The first thing he mentioned was that God is our Father.
Second, he mentioned Christ is our Savior.
Our Mother didn’t even make the list.
She is a woman shrouded in mystery and silence.
She is unmentioned, unacclaimed, un-worshiped.
The ancients knew of Her, and worshipped Her with Him, as God.
However, in history, she was expunged.
We read that idolatry was rampant. Groves were set up, and there, unholy worship occurred.
It would be just the act of a Mother to step back, sacrifice Herself to silence
To ensure a clear path set for Her children to walk on - one less ambiguous and trying.
Regardless, she is a mystery,
Though a mystery our Church does nothing more to know about.
Through carefree indifference for half of our deific parentage,
We inadvertently disregard Her daughters - Her offspring, who know nothing of
Her, Her roles, or their own potential.
Through policies, ordinations to a solely male priesthood, and lack of female guidance,
We perpetuate the notion that only the male God is to rule,
While women accept their silent, unmentioned and mysterious places behind the men.
To say that roles are different, resulting in strictly male leadership and authority, is to suggest
That our Mother quietly takes her place
Because it is her ROLE to be a quiet, passive, obedient God.
Is she God the Mother?
Does She have nothing to teach?
Do our mothers serve no purpose but to feed and clothe the children, and support our fathers?
Are our mothers ordained to simply not stand and be counted strong on their own?
For all our praise of earthly mothers, we certainly treat them as second-class citizens,
Incapable of real independent thought, intention, or action.
Can we not be leaders? Can we not even lead ourselves, that we must be coddled and led
By men, and their priesthood?
The Bible mentions prophetesses. Women of power.
Their husbands are not mentioned.
I do not believe our Mother ought to be assigned
An afterthought position behind our Father.
Together, they are God.
But she can be mentioned as a capable God on Her own.
To simply have to state that sentence is offensive.
Ancient prophetesses received revelations.
We know in this dispensation women do too.
We see visions, we are given answers and understandings.
Anciently prophetesses were sought out for their wisdom and guidance.
There is no structure today in which a man would ever seek wisdom of a woman
Unless he were related to her.
Women provide insight, and different ways of thinking
That men do not have.
We compliment each other, to the point that our unions
Are sealed, and given divine weight.
Together, and only together, we receive exaltation.
Yet in our churches, men consult, preside, and decide on their own.
But women, too, are capable of standing.
A religion which does not reinforce honoring our Mother
By treating Her holy authority with reverence is lacking.
To say our Mother has Authority is easily met with confusion.
And if our God-half is not openly seen and treated as equal to our Father,
What hope do we have of ever being Her priestesses?
What hope do we have of ever having any say, or rule, or wisdom?
What kind of family could lose their Mother,
And say nothing?
What kind of family quietly acknowledges their Mother,
Knows that She exists, but cares little to know Her?
I am a mother. My religion has taught me that someday I can be like God.
I will be like my Heavenly Mother.
But she is lost.
And I don’t want to be.
