I'm pregnant. No, this isn't an announcement. I'm about half-way through, now, and, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm already quite pregnant. I announced ten weeks ago to the day, because my body just wasn't going to let me hide that baby a week longer.
So what is it like being pregnant? How did I know? How did it all go down?
Well, in the beginning, Nathan and I decided that we were pretty remarkable, amazing people, and that we should probably add to our ranks of remarkable people - a bit late in the game, compared to some of my other friends, who, in Utah fashion, all got married six years ago, and have sprouted out two or three of their own children, by this point. But better late than never!
When you're trying to have a baby, but before you can actually pee on the stick and know you're pregnant for sure, you see pregnancy symptoms everywhere. Do I feel abnormally sick this morning? Am I bloating? Are my bowels different than usual? And the truth is, all of these things are pregnancy symptoms, but many of them are simply symptoms of being a woman - which sucks, and can lead to some severe disappointment, when you don't see those two pink lines which tell you that you're pregnant.
This, though, led to a couple Lagoon trips, and general merry-making, which, I feel, is the ONLY way to respond to negative pregnancy tests. Don't let it get you too down! Enjoy doing the things you otherwise wouldn't be able to do! Like roller-coasters! Or visits to rotten-egg smelling lakes!
Finally, I remember actually feeling quite sick for about a week, and even mentioned to a nurse at work that I was feeling crappy. She was the first to suggest that I might be pregnant. I doubted it, of course. I sincerely wondered if I wasn't just sick - thus, I had asked a nurse. I went home and peed on a stick and everything, that night, but nothing. Sometimes, though, all you have to do is give it another week.
The first REAL symptom I had, besides feeling generally crappy, was congestion. Cold symptoms. Who would have ever thought? But because we were trying, and because the internet was surely invented for women who are pregnant or attempting to conceive, I googled it. Sure enough, congestion is a symptom of pregnancy! Very exciting times! I felt lethargic, I felt sluggish, I felt downright crummy, and now with congestion... The suspense was terrible! (And then my back went out, which was another story, but not an unusual one for me. Just tired, congested, nauseated, AND in pain.)
Knowing that I was pregnant was the best thing ever - the nausea, everything. Nathan and I had bought concert tickets to see Walk the Moon a month previously, but we weren't able to go, as I was doubled over in back pain and nausea. But it was okay, because I was pregnant, and it was confirmed! I must surely have looked depressed, being as nauseated as I was, at work, which made working a little difficult, at times. Perceptive nurses that I worked with figured it out, quickly, without my saying a word. But I tried to keep it under wraps!
But this little baby of ours gave us some severe scares. I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hemorrhage, just a couple weeks into knowing that we were pregnant. Perhaps a little too much information for a blog, but I had some exciting bleeding. Nathan and I shed tears more than once, assuming the worst, that we'd lost our baby. After one bleed, I called off work the next day, and readied myself to go to the doctor's the next morning, already assuming everything was over. I didn't tell anybody, not wanting a big deal made, and not wanting to say anything until it was confirmed. They fit me into the schedule, where the doctor on call checked me out, then asked if I could wait a couple hours at the hospital until they had an opening for an Ultrasound. I went down to the cafeteria, told my sister, and ordered a deli-meat sandwich for lunch. (I'd been avoiding deli-meat up until that point, having heard it was no good for pregnancy. Frankly, I didn't care anymore, then.)
When it was my turn at the ultrasound, I nearly died. There, earlier than you're supposed to be able to hear, we heard my little baby's heartbeat. The tech said it was a little bit slower than usual, but probably because it had just started beating a couple days before. Everything was healthy, she said, aside from the hemorrhage. My baby was healthy!
But oh, the woes of a hemorrhage! Light bed rest for me! I wasn't allowed to vacuum, or do laundry, or work out, or do any number of things! (I know, SHUCKS, right?) The couch became my new best friend, and poor Nathan had to do everything. (I really did feel quite bad, and cheated a couple times.) Strangely, after receiving the diagnosis of the hemorrhage, I never had bleeding again. In simple terms, a subchorionic hemorrhage is a blood clot on the baby's sac. Ours was relatively small, which was very lucky! There are three options for those blood clots. 1) It breaks, and you risk a miscarriage. 2) It leaks, so you see some bleeding. (That's what was happening for me earlier.) or 3) Time heals it - and the blood sucks itself into the placenta - which is what happened for us. (Risk was over at 13-ish weeks!)
We told our families, and then it was out in the open. (In a fit of hormonal-ness, I told my husband that FINALLY, now I would have more people who could "pity me.") (Yes, I felt I needed pitying.)
My nausea was unrelenting. Not a lot of throwing up, though I certainly did that too. Eating was difficult - which made me lose a lot of my own previous weight, while gaining baby, so that I wasn't really gaining any weight, though I had certainly "popped" by that time, and was showing without shame. The only things that sounded good were things like fruit smoothies, pizza, ice cream, or, yes, mayonnaise. (Only ever on a sandwich, thankfully, and not straight from the jar.) Eventually, Fazoli's breadsticks made the list, as well. Leftovers were a HUGE "No." from baby - and continue to be. If I make pasta, I boil it a little less than I usually do, to avoid the "moist" noodle effect, etc. Earlier on in the pregnancy, I'd made a chicken tikka masala for dinner, one night, and literally cried at the table at the thought of having to eat it. Baby struggles in letting me eat certain meats - but only when cooked in a certain way, I guess. Moist, "soggy," chicken is a no, and beef pretty much has to be a burger.
Hormones have been fun. Still, my favorite "pregnancy crazy" experience to date was in a drive-thru. My good husband Nathan was taking us for shakes at Arctic Circle. I was perusing news stories on my phone, and came across one of those catcher stories, "You won't believe what this dog did," kind of things. I read the first two paragraphs, about a dog who attended mass on a daily basis because "it was the last place he had seen his owner alive," and LOST it! Hysterical sobbing. Shaking. Tears. Absolute heartbreak for this dog. Nathan attempted not to laugh, and so did I, because I knew that this was no ordinary sad. This was "possession" sad. But SO REAL!!! It lasted only a minute, thankfully, and ended, mostly, in hiccuped tears in between laughter at myself as we drove back home. But THAT DOG...
Often I get unusually angry or grumpy at Nathan. Fortunately, I recognize it's hormonal and warn him when I see it happening. Nathan is forgiving and notes that it's probably only directed at him because I'm with him more than anyone else, which is the truth. And positively, on the other swing of things, sometimes I'm just all the more outrageously obsessed and in love with him, which is often sweet. I find myself seeking him out, throughout the house, just so I can hug him, cuddle my face into his chest, and then run back to whatever it was I was doing.
Just recently, I've started to feel the baby moving. At first, I was just chalking it up to indigestion. (Another symptom of pregnancy. It happens, it's irregular and unpredictable, etc. Pregnancy symptoms are terrible.) But after awhile, I realized that this was it. Everyone says it feels like "a butterfly," when you first feel your baby move. I didn't have that experience. To me, it felt more like a slug moving through my belly. There were no wings.
I'm at the point where I wake up, get confused about why I woke up - (because it's too early for my new ritual of nightly peeing.) - and realize that there's something bumping around down there. He's still small enough that it's not unpleasant. Instead, it's strangely surreal. Several nights a week we're pulling out Nathan's stethoscope and listening for the baby. You have to be lucky to catch anything with a stethoscope, but sometimes we are lucky. Once, completely lucky, we even heard a heartbeat. Mostly, though, it's just my own stomach rumbling, or, occasionally, the sound of a kick.
After the most recent doctor's visit, where the doctor let us know that our baby is a kicker... (Dread...)... we learned that we wouldn't have our next ultrasound until the baby was 21 weeks, and we still didn't have a gender. So we went to a hole in the wall place, Fetal Fotos, just so we could find out. We were impatient parents!
Our first visit, the baby was sleeping. After walking around, turning on my sides, drinking cold water, etc, the baby was awake, but we couldn't see anything, due to an umbilical cord sitting in the way. So more walking and prodding the baby. Finally, the baby had had it, and hunkered down, crossed his legs, and sulked. We watched him live, as the ultrasound tech poked my belly. We watched him jostle with the poke, and throw his arms up next to his ears in "I'm not listening!" fashion. So Fetal Foto let us go back again a few days later, where, the child was awake, still with an umbilical cord in the way, but out of the way just enough so that we could make out a little boy.
So we have our Julian. (Our adorable girl name of Ada Mae will just have to keep waiting.) Yes, we're naming our child after the YouTube comedian, Julian Smith, but it is a beautiful name that I've always loved. So now we're still just waiting. I'm feeling those bumps in my stomach more and more often. I'm expanding at a more rapid rate, which is slightly alarming, for one who has tried not to gain weight her whole life, and now has to look at this as a good thing. The pregnancy symptoms just keep coming - UTI's and swollen kidneys. Back pain and a new maternity pillow. Itchy stomach and frequent urination. Hormonal rages and clumsy mishaps. Gagging while brushing my teeth and crying over food. Headaches and fears over brain tumors, or worse.
And this is just the beginning!
