Self-Discovery

Did I ever mention that I don’t deserve my husband?

I was having a crappy night, last night. I was feeling overworked, depressed, and I was feeling pretty prickly. Not to mention that I had just made a poor caloric choice, which left me feeling fat, despicable, and completely unrestrained. Needless to say, I was feeling like crap. When my husband came home from his night class, he took a seat next to me on the couch, where I proceeded to growl at him in a feral manner, crouching over the food which was my sin, in a protective manner. He grabbed himself something else to snack on, and proceeded to do some homework.

Once I had finished consuming my personal prize, and the TV episode I was watching was over, I decided I would rest my head down in Nathan’s lap, while he did homework. I justified this as “bonding” time, but really, I was just looking for someone to give me attention and pity me, though I had done nothing in particular to deserve it. Nathan proceeded to run a hand through my hair as he finished typing his assignment one-handed, and while I promptly passed out.

Over an hour later, Nathan gently woke me from my slumber on his lap, and helped to drag my semi-conscious form to bed, with all the patience of new, first-time parent. I remember talking to him, though I can’t remember what about. (I’m an exceptionallygood sleeper, something I’ve discovered even more, since being married.) I remember his laughing about it, but being kind, before I passed out again.

Since being married, I’ve learned some stuff about myself. Marriage has got to be the ultimate tool of self-discovery. I’d recommend it to anyone, but only if they are in a stable enough position in which they could cope with the emotional process that is self-discovery. It is a process. It is both lovely and horrifying, pleasant and painful, and ought to be entered into at your own risk.

Since being married I’ve discovered that I’m terribly selfish. (Note – I was defending my food from my own husband, in a self-pitying, animalistic display.) I’ve plotted ways of passively displaying unhappiness, so that he’ll jump to my rescue, without my ever having to have asked – so that I look strong, and don’t have to look like the needy, selfish, often angst-y woman that I am. I’ve discovered that I can, at times, be completely self-obsessed. I want to know why there are still dirty dishes in my sink, and I’m so upset that they’re still there that I fail to give sympathy to the fact that my husband has been sick all week, not to mention the fact that he’s not a mind-reader. I’ve come to realize that I whine, and I whine a lot. (I actually picked up on this on my mission, so missions are good for this too.) I whine about my back pain, and I whine about the hot weather, and my mild bouts of nonsensical anxiety, and my weight, and my zits, and my relationships, etc.

But the things I have learned have not all been bitter. There certainly is a portion of sweetness to my flawed character, which I have discovered as well. (And might I mention that it’s VITAL to see the good, as well as the bad?) I’ve discovered that I’m far more patient than I ever would have guessed. I CAN  accept that flaws and imperfections exist in others, and I can work through those things without feelings of discouragement or despair, but only hope and encouragement for the future. I have discovered that I can be self-sacrificing, as I forget annoyances or feelings of disappointment, to carry on with what mutually we’ve chosen is going to be done. I focus on the things that will make others happy. I give up my time, and (perhaps too much) berate myself on my weaknesses, always striving to be better. I am dedicated to causes, and fight for what’s right. Above all I seek the Lord, and choose to do what I feel God would have me do, despite any consequences that may arise.

Am I perfect? Far from it. Am I flawed? Far, too. I am just me, and you are just you. (I felt a little Dr. Seuss there, and chose not to delete it. I’m letting my freak flag fly.)

Self-discovery is hard. Some days it leaves me feeling like the scum of all the earth, as I eat the entire box of Little Caesar’s Italian Cheese Bread by myself, while loathing myself over my hateful, selfish tantrums. Some days you feel like Jesus has been following you around the whole day, patting you on the back, while you smile and continue with a 100% motivation level. Some days are a little Bipolar, and you flip back and forth within every matter of hours.

Would I change it? Absolutely not. Do I hope that I learn something from it? I certainly hope I do! And I hope that, at least most of the time, I’m heading in the direction I want to be headed. Each day I should remind myself that it’s one day at a time, and that if you “mess up” today, there’s probably a reason for it, and a lesson to be learned. You’ll learn that lesson, and tomorrow will be even better than your today could have been, if the lesson hadn’t been there.