Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Due to our work schedules, my husband and I are often trying to sleep anywhere from as early as 8-10 at night. This, however, has been difficult, due to your incessant tromping around in the middle of the freaking night, you selfish wretches! the noise level coming from your apartment, directly above us.

We hate to be "those" neighbors, but we, the neighbors directly below you, hate you need your help.

I recognize that our complaint may come across as blaming, because it is, and that you may feel there is nothing you are doing wrong. But you ARE wrong, and... We are grateful you're not throwing crazy parties, and really, the only complaint we have is that your walking sounds like a stampeding herd, your steps sound fat, you walk around too much, your walking is slightly loud.

Do you really have to walk in and out of the bedroom every ten seconds? Do you really have to walk around the bedroom so much? Have you considered surgery for your fat feet? Between 8-10 at night, when we are trying to fall asleep, we can hear you walking about your bedroom. Because of the fact that we live in a cheap apartment, the floors and ceilings are quite thin, and your heel-strikes piss us off to the max, reverberate quite loudly. You should take up river-dancing.

Could you just stop walking? I know this is difficult to solve, as you can't just stop walking around your apartment. Could you just stop breathing? We would ask if you might be able to be consciously aware of walking quietly during nighttime hours. I sincerely doubt you even care, but we can dream. It would really help us out. Fatty.

Sincerely,
Your Neighbors

Coming next week, a letter to the crazy, militant neighbors DOWNSTAIRS.