Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm a part of a couple different support groups. One is for cloth diapering, another is for being a "new mom" in general. Primarily, these support groups are used for, well, what it sounds like!
"How do you wash cloth diapers with hard water?"
"Look at my baby's rash. Is this eczema?"
"What are your favorite formula brands?"
"What are your views on the 'Cry it Out' method?"
"When should my baby start walking?"
"I'm not sure how I feel about co-sleeping."
"This weird thing happened, with my post-birth body, and I need to know if I should be putting my affairs in order, or if I'm going to live."
These are questions that women have, that they really need support with, sometimes.
At times, however, people will have family issues that they bring up.
"I don't know how to tell my father-in-law that I don't like him showing up unannounced all the time."
"My ex and I are having such-and-such custody issues," etc.
These are things that women would also like to have support on.
Unfortunately, all too often, I see terrible advice given, that is not accurate and/or good support at all.
It's women telling a new mom that she should pull her son's foreskin back to clean it - WRONG.
Telling mothers to buy bamboo cloth diapers - SO WRONG. (Ugh. Forever drying time, and sticky, clinging poop. Duh.) ;)
Women telling women to put an essential oil on it. - WRONG.
"He'll be scarred for LIFE!!!" - Also WRONG.
In the middle of the night, last night, I saw more terrible advice given, and realized, real, GOOD "Support" is sometimes telling people the honest truth.
A woman posted that she wasn't sure how to "make it up" to her husband. She was on the phone, on their anniversary, and, implied, wasn't giving him attention. He felt neglected and unappreciated, got upset, and ended up throwing away the flowers he had bought her.
Advice from women in the support group?
"What a baby, throwing a temper tantrum like that."
"Tell him to stop treating you like an object, that he can just have when he wants it."
My favorite, in least helpful - "Just give him a blowjob."
It was Four AM, I'd just fed the baby, and I couldn't sleep, knowing this woman had no reasonable support at all. Because good "Support" is HONEST. I replied, mostly for the women I knew would be reading my post, after posting their own unhelpful comments.
For starters, I've been there. MANY women have, and if the gender roles were reversed, women would say that your husband was maybe being a little bit selfish and neglectful. It HURTS to feel like you're second place, and not as important, even on days that AREN'T your anniversary, when all you want is some time to be close to your spouse. He bought flowers. He was going out of his way to woo you, and wanted to be recognized for his efforts. I would say apologize sincerely. Show some empathy and understanding for his perspective. TALK to your husband. No blowjobs. Don't just "sex" him off, like an annoyance. Talk about his feelings. Don't cheapen them. Try and understand him. See if he's feeling unappreciated in general. Talk to him to see if he feels there are ways that he can better communicate his wishes, concerns, and feelings, so both of you benefit - he can feel understood, and you can too. Temper tantrums are what toddlers throw in the grocery store over unimportant things, like cereal. Throwing the flowers that you bought for your wife away is a sign of emotional distress. He's hurting. Talking is the best thing for relationships.
That was it. I combated a few of the previous comments that had driven me nuts with their insensitivity, and gave my honest opinion. TALK. (Heaven help us. Communication.)
Why is it that support groups only think about offering "support" to the person who posted the problem, rather than looking at the whole picture, and offering the best solution for all parties? Since when did the woman's husband become the villain? Why aren't we giving HIM the benefit of the doubt? Why is she supposed to be the only one who needs help? If we really want to help the situation, shouldn't we do so by actually giving advice that will help the entire situation, and not just her own emotions about herself and her own "rightness"? Is her husband not a human being also, who has his own feelings that she ought to try and relate to?
Ugh. I hate support groups. I'm tied in top number of "Likes" for that comment. Tied with the gal who suggested a blowjob. Seriously?
Sometimes I hate people.
No comments:
Post a Comment