What's Keeping Me Awake

The power has gone out in Eagle Mountain no fewer than five times in the last twenty-four hours. They scheduled a power outage from 11pm to 2am tonight to finish up whatever job they were doing, to fix the power for good. But this resulted in the furnace making a loud "clunk" and all the technology beeping back to life at 2am, waking up the toddler, making the toddler run to his door and demand to go downstairs, then scream crying when I brought him back to his room.

He fell back asleep relatively quickly. I, however, didn't. I couldn't stop thinking. Finally, around 3:45, I accepted to myself that I was getting two and a half hours of sleep and that that was fine. I was fortunate that I could nap in the afternoon, during "quiet time," and that I should just be sure not to operate heavy equipment once the sun rose, which, guess what, quarantine, so that's not that hard anyway.

I have been no stranger to insomnia in the past. Pregnancy insomnia hit me pretty hard both times around, and back in those days I had to go to work in the morning. So I'm feeling pretty fortunate that it's 4am, I'm awake, and that's okay.

Tonight I'm just thinking. I had a hard time yesterday. As with most of my problems, nowadays, my "hard time" came from social media. If I'd been content to sit in my home and listen to my children whine all day about demanding more screen time consisting of their diet of Chuggington and Daniel Tiger, I would have been fine. If I'd been content to watch them hit each other with Hot Wheels track and pretend to sting each other like bees, with tracks held to their backsides all day, sure, I would have been fine. If only I'd been content humming "Into the Unknown" from Frozen II, which was hardcore stuck in my head all day, I might have been happy. But silly me decided that I needed adult interaction during this quarantine and I got on Facebook, desperate to see what was going on in the world outside of my toddler quarantine.

Earthquakes, Pandemics, Tornadoes, Power Outages. The usual, for 2020. I kept scrolling. Fabulous memes. I collected, and continued scrolling. Which combination of Disney princesses are you when you're happy versus angry? Mulan and Ariel, apparently. Freaking waste of my life. Ariel? Bull. Continued scrolling.

And then I found this gem, which is keeping me awake.

"Ah," I said to myself. "They wanna rehash this $100 Billion concern again, I see. Just when I thought I was coping with the impending General Conference so well, I am again confronted with black and white thinking. You're in or you're out. Should I comment about needless stereotyping against people with rational concerns about the way the Church handles its financials, which, while handled fairly, could be subject to moral discussion? Well, let's see what other comments she's getting. Maybe someone will have said something so I don't have to."

Freaking #DEZNAT with their excessive patience, love, and faith!!!

I kept scrolling, I didn't want to deal with it. You can't win, with those people.

You could try and call them out on pride, creating a hostile environment for other children of God in the Church - good people who are trying to belong, but now can't, because you're standing there calling them a fool for disagreeing with you on something they are ALLOWED to disagree with you on. You could remind them that the Church makes $19 MILLION a day in interest, and that $100,000 is like dropping your pocket change in the Salvation Army tin in comparison. Is it nice? Sure. Was it the Widow's Mite? Not even a sneeze in a hurricane kind of close.

I could have even considered posting a GIF, because sometimes that's easier. I would have posted this one:

But then they would have insisted they were not hating. They said they had love and faith, and if I didn't have enough faith to blindly follow everything without questioning and braving my own conclusions, that was MY problem with God, and may I have a happy time in Hell with the other Liberal Lefties LOL.

Nope, I kept scrolling. (Correction, I went back to take screenshots to share with my husband, because of how much it was eating at my soul that the members of the Church inadvertently do everything possible to make sure I never feel like I can belong.) (In going back I also noticed someone had made a comment similar to what I would have commented, and thanked them for making room for me to belong. So yeah, I did eventually interact with the post. But not with DezNat. Like I said. Can't talk with people who have nothing to learn.)

Did I mention I had "Into the Unknown" stuck in my head all day?

I'm far from the first nuanced Mormon to resonate with that song. Because that's what that song is about to me. The lyrics describe, perfectly, what it's like to disagree with the Institution's authority and turn your heart to listening for God's guidance instead. Because God is better than mortal men, and God often has something deeper for you, if you're willing to listen.

But it's also really hard to find the courage to listen. I described it once: "It [took] reaching my breaking point with church leadership for me to look past that religious authority and search even deeper for truth." Coming from a multi-generational Mormon family, living in Utah, it doesn't take a lot of courage to be a Mormon. It takes tremendous courage to question the status quo, and figure out what YOU really believe. My "faith crisis" and questioning led me to stay, but with new stipulations. I do not hold the Church as the ultimate authority. God is. I don't believe that I have to accept everything that is spoken, if God is telling me something else.

There were a thousand reasons I should have gone about my day and ignored the whispers in my heart that prompted me to question, that landed me where I am now. It would have been so much easier to believe the traditional teachings - everyone I ever loved was within the walls of traditional Mormondom. And like a Band-aid, it would have been so much easier to leave the Church outright, rather than sitting "on the edge of inside." But instead I'm here, nuanced, and afraid of what I'm risking for following God.

I'm very much in the unknown.

It's the unknown that's been keeping me awake.

I'm still feeling sick about not having a home in the Church because I'm a "Liberal Leftie LOL" who thinks the Church missed the mark on what Christ would have them do with their excess money. And frankly, I'm feeling sick to my stomach about General Conference.

There's freaking Coronavirus, people. I'm in toddler quarantine Hell. I really want peace and hope, like everyone else does right now! I could really use a spiritual boost this weekend, but I'm terrified that instead, all I'm going to get is a First Vision Infomercial.

In a previous post I mentioned my concerns and fears about General Conference and their divisive decision to roll out with the First Vision theme. I believe Joseph Smith's first "First Vision" account, and I'm going to have his third "First Vision" account shoved down my throat this weekend with all the weight of "divine authority" insinuated. And if I dare disagree with a conference premise or conclusion, once again, I'm going to be cast as not having enough "patience, love, and faith," despite how God-directed my nuance truly has been.

I'm so tired. Physically, because I'm not supposed to be awake for another two hours, now, but emotionally moreso. My only beg, my only plea, is that we be more aware of each other, this General Conference time. Please know that God hasn't cast anybody out, so you shouldn't either. Leave room for people like me, who believe they are doing the right thing. If you don't leave room for people to do what they feel is right, they will do it somewhere without you, and it will be your loss.